Couples who have been married for awhile will tell you that although they love each other all the time, they may not always like each other. But in a society where we often measure our value by the number of “likes” we receive on social media, maintaining our “like” for our spouse can contribute to a more enjoyable relationship.
I tend to think of love as the commitment part of a marriage and should always exist no matter the circumstance. Love for each other is what God demonstrates to us through His son Jesus and is the second greatest commandment, just after loving the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Love is what will get you through the toughest times, yet it’s also what will allow you to reach those wonderful feelings of ecstasy that happens in a solid marriage.
Liking your spouse is more conditional and often based on circumstances. For example, a husband makes a seemingly negative comment to his wife about the dinner that she prepared, which makes her feel unappreciated. As a result, she may not like him very much for the rest of the evening or at least until he recognizes the error of his statement and apologizes. How long it takes her to accept his apology and begin liking him again can depend on how often this occurs and what other recent incidents, good or bad, she’s holding in support of or against him.
We all prefer to spend time with people we like versus people we don’t like so liking our spouse can lead to more time together and make for a much happier marriage. In fact, using individual-level data from 47,000 couples, two researchers from the Minnesota Population Center at the University of Minnesota, found that couples are almost twice as happy and more fulfilled when they are with their spouse than when they’re apart.
If our marriage is filled with love – which should be a given – plus more moments than not liking each other, then we’re in for an enjoyable experience. Here are 5 simple things you should do daily to increase your like for each other and make your marriage so much more fun.
Touch them…often.
According to research by DePauw University psychologist Matthew Hertenstein, touch can communicate multiple positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. When you stimulate the pressure receptors in the skin, you lower stress hormone, while at the same time releasing the “cuddling hormone” oxytocin, which enhances a sense of trust and attachment. To top it all off, your spouse isn’t the only one to benefit from all the positive results of touch because it’s reciprocal. It’s like a two for one deal because you’ll experience all the great effects too!
Thank them for doing what they do for you and the family.
Whether it’s providing financially for the family, taking care of the home, keeping everyone healthy and well-fed, carpool duties, teaching the children, protecting the family, coaching, volunteering, or whatever it is; thank your spouse for what they do. According to research out of the University of Georgia, feeling appreciated and believing that your spouse values you directly influences how you feel about your marriage, how committed you are to it, and your belief that it will last. So don’t hold back on that gratitude. Let your spouse know daily how much you appreciate and believe in them.
Say something nice about your spouse out loud. Bonus if someone else is there to hear it.
This is fantastic for kids to witness as they get to hear about their other parent in a positive way and also hearing yourself say it out loud reinforces that feeling within your subconscious. The way you talk to yourself affects how you feel and how you behave, according to psychologist Ann Kearney-Cooke of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute.
Intentionally think about your spouse or fantasize about them, then send a Bitmoji text letting them know. Get creative with your message.
Life can get so busy sometimes that it’s easy for couples to fall into the trap of not thinking about each other until they get home at the end of the day. If there are any thoughts of each other, it’s usually about a task that needs doing or a problem that needs solving. However, as challenging as it may be, we all have to make an effort to intentionally think about our spouse in a positive light, in a way that evokes a happy emotion in us and puts us in a good mood. For example, did his butt look exceptionally good in the pants he had on this morning? Did you notice how sexy he looked the last time you worked out together? Having these positive thoughts, and in some cases fantasies (which happen to be my personal preference), about your spouse can help set the tone for how you respond to each other later in the day and especially when opportunities for sexually intimate moments come up. As one would expect, studies have found that when people are primed to be in a good mood, they experience higher subjective and physiological sexual arousal (Koukounas and McCabe, 2001). So go ahead and daydream about your spouse.
Pray for your spouse.
It’s powerful when you do it as a couple just before you part ways at the start of your day, but if that doesn’t happen, pray for them on your own. Then let them know. This is so powerful and the impact is tremendous. Knowing that you pray for them not only strengthens the bond between you as a couple, but also empowers them to go about their day knowing they are covered by God’s favor and protection. I remember how much more boldly I went into challenging situations at work knowing that my husband was actively praying for me.