Much like how painstakingly child-proofing your home still can’t guarantee that your child won’t get into areas they shouldn’t be in, there isn’t a 100% guarantee that a marriage won’t end in divorce, even with all the effort we put into it. However, the great news is there are many things we can do that can help ensure a much higher likelihood of success, and not to mention, greater marital fulfillment and satisfaction.  Yes, marriage CAN be awesome and it can last forever! This is the first of a multi-part series.

GET PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING

Whether it’s with your pastor, a marital counselor, or a marriage coach, this is one of the most important exercises to go through before your wedding day. Research shows that couples who go through some form of marriage coaching reduce their risk of divorce by 31%.

During these sessions, a coach will help you explore topics you didn’t even know to discuss. For example, will one of you be taking time off from your career to raise children or will you seek outside help – like a nanny, family member or daycare? Who will handle the finances in your relationship? How significant of a role will your close friends and family play in your marriage? You won’t want to wait until you’re faced with these scenarios before having the conversation with your spouse.

A coach will also help you figure out your negotiables vs. non-negotiables because you will both likely have some. Then there’s the ever so important tools on how to communicate to understand, and resolving conflict when they come up. Meeting with a coach for multiple sessions before your wedding day, and even after you’re married, is one of the most significant investments you can make for the future of your relationship.

SPEND TIME WITH EACH OTHER

I recently had a gentleman tell me that his secret to a long lasting marriage is to spend as little time with his wife as possible. That seems to be a very unsatisfying way to nurture a marriage. It’s like saying that the key to staying thin is not eating. Where’s the joy in that?

According to a 2017 article in Psychology Today, couples who do things together become more closely connected and their shared experiences make them feel good about each other. That idea is further supported by the findings of two researchers from the Minnesota Population Center at the University of Minnesota, who found that married couples in the U.S. are happier and more fulfilled when they are together rather than apart. Using individual-level data from 47,000 couples, the researchers found that when an individual is with their spouse, they are almost twice as happy as when they are not.

Time together doesn’t have to be costly or a big production. We realized in our own marriage that the evenings, after the kids are in bed, are some of our favorite times to be together. We found the hour or two we spend with each other before bed each night talking, snuggling on the couch, sharing a dessert, or enjoying one of our favorite TV shows, have become some of the most therapeutic moments in our day.

Date nights are another great way to spend time together and reconnect. This shouldn’t be spent talking about finances, the kids, or household chores. Instead, use this as an opportunity to learn some new things about your spouse, laugh together, and be care free. Reminisce about an earlier time in your relationship to remind you both of how far you’ve come and celebrate in advance all the great things you’ve yet to experience together.

BUILD THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE ON SOLID ROCK

In the Seattle area and much of the west coast we’re told that it’s not a matter of if, but when, the big one will strike. What they’re referring to is the hypothetical earthquake that’s supposed to hit the west coast someday, and predicted to reach a magnitude of up to 9.0.

As a result, California, followed by Oregon and Washington, have put laws in place to ensure that old buildings go through the process of being retrofitted and new buildings are built according to new codes that will allow both to withstand the violent effects of a large earthquake. The same idea should be applied to marriages.

For most of us we’ll spend our marriages going through just normal day to day stuff like building and taking care of our family, saving for a home, navigating through our career, nurturing friendships, enjoying our hobbies, etc. But what happens when an unpredictable life event happens like the loss of a job, a life-threatening illness, infidelity, death of a family member, or God forbid – the loss of a child? What foundation is your marriage built on that can help you withstand the devastation that accompany some life events?

For our marriage, my husband and I chose to build the foundation of our marriage on the solid rock that God provides. Even with my type A personality, we both know that there is much to life that’s outside of our control, but as long as we trust in God’s sovereignty and His promises in the Bible, we are comforted in knowing that we never go through our trials alone.

For example, we know that in Jeremiah 29:11 He says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future…” Because Duane and I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and believe that the Bible is the absolute word of God, we can trust that God has plans for our marriage that involve giving us hope and a future.

Isaiah 40:28-31 reminds us that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, and through our hope in Him we don’t have to rely on our own abilities for He will give us strength and power to get through whatever trials life may throw our way.

Now just like there’s no such thing as an earthquake-proof structure, even the strongest foundation we can build our marriage on won’t prevent us from feeling the impact of devastating life events. However, when the devastation happens and we begin to experience the violent shaking, building the foundation of our marriage on our faith in God gives us something to grab a hold of until the shaking stops. Having that solid reinforcement to rely on can help keep our marriage from collapsing.

For our non-Christian readers, my example of a solid foundation on which to build your marriage upon, may not resonate. If neither of you are Christians and are not yet ready to consider it, another example of building your marriage on a solid rock is identifying something in your life that is unshakeable and is of great value to you.  For some, it may be personal values or family traditions. For others it may be your family unit and the desire to keep it together.

One place I would recommend that you go to find that foundation is in your vows, the promises of unconditional love and commitment that you two made to each other (or will make, if you’re not yet married). There’s strength in those words, as long as you and your spouse commit to standing by them. Keep them close and refer back to them often as a reminder of what you two meant, and should continue to mean to one another, even during periods of trial.

Stay tuned for the next part of this series:  How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage – Part 2.