Last month, my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. We have learned so many valuable lessons from two decades of marriage that we can probably write a pretty lengthy book. However, we decided to condense it by each writing out a list of 20 lessons.
1. Agree on a foundation for your marriage. If you haven’t done this, I suggest you do so right away. The foundation is the common belief or thing that keeps you together, especially when you go through difficult times – because I promise you will. For us, it’s our Christian faith, and our commitment to a loving and godly marriage. For others, it may be their mutual decision to stay true to what they said in their vows. Whatever it is, just make sure it’s something that remains constant in your life, never changing. Using your children as a foundation for your marriage can be detrimental because they will eventually grow up and have to leave you both.
2. Learn your husband’s love language and love him in that way.
3. Say nice things about your husband in front of other people, especially if he’s able to hear it. This will breathe life into him and naturally draw him closer to you.
4. The sex can be amazing! Your husband wants nothing more than to please you sexually. Tell him (or demonstrate to him) what you enjoy and watch the quality of your physical intimacy rise to levels you never dreamed possible. Yes, it CAN be THAT good…but you have to communicate.
5. Keep your bedroom a special place just for the two of you. Once the kids are past infancy, it’s important that you and your husband sleep in your bed together, minus the kiddos. As a compromise when our kids were younger, we scheduled a “family night” one night a week when we all slept in the same bed, but the other six nights were reserved for just the two of us.
6. Agree to put each other’s needs ahead of your own. Refer back to this when you’re in an argument that you can’t seem to get past.
7. Respect your husband and let him know how much you appreciate him. He’s terrified of not doing things right and disappointing you. Words of affirmation from his bride can go a long way to building up his confidence and can help him become a more loving husband.
8. Regular date nights are a must, but trips together are AMAZING! If you have the means of taking a trip together, even if it’s just over the weekend, do it.
9. Marriage is not 50/50. That’s what our culture says it should be, but it’s impractical and destined to self-destruct because it’s based solely upon each person’s performance. Marriage is actually 100/100, with both sides assuming unlimited responsibility and unconditional acceptance of the other.
10. Annoying habits may not go away. If your husband struggled to get his dirty clothes into the hamper before your wedding day, chances are he’s still struggling to get them in there.
11. Your love for each other really can multiply. On our wedding day 20 years ago I had no idea that the love I had for my husband would only be a fraction of the love I have for him today. Experiencing life together and seeing him assume his role as husband and father can make you fall in love with your husband all over again.
12. Communicate, communicate, communicate! Communication IS important, as long as it’s healthy. Nagging, complaining, yelling, verbal abuse, etc. are not healthy.
13. Your marriage should be the priority relationship of the family, second only to your relationship with God. This is not to say that your kids are not important, because they certainly are. However, they need to understand that you need to take care of your marriage first in order for you to be the best parents you can be for them.
14. Winning should not be your goal during an argument. Making sure you both feel understood and respected, even in the midst of your disagreement, is far more important.
15. Assume responsibility for teaching your kids about your faith, family values, and morals. You’re their first and most important teacher so don’t leave it up to other people to fill their minds with critical character-building information.
16. Share your goals and dreams with each other and pursue them together.
17. Eat at least one meal together as a family every day. As the kids get older and busier this will become harder to accomplish but make the effort to keep up with this tradition. When the kids are grown, this will help set the stage for what your relationship with them will look like moving forward.
18. Make time for your spouse each day and spend a portion of that time enjoying each other and laughing together. My husband and I have a standing date with each other every night after the kids go to bed. It’s our time to reconnect, unwind, and enjoy each other.
19. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. There’s nothing like having a spouse who believes in you and encourages you to pursue your goals.
20. Let your kids see you kiss. Kids notice differences between the adult relationships around them. Seeing you two kiss and show affection will help them feel more confident and secure.