Do you think of marriage as work?  Do you feel about marriage the same way you feel about pulling weeds in 100 degree temperature? Tiresome, hard, frustrating? The way you refer to marriage may say something about your level of commitment IN your marriage.

A few years ago, I checked in with a young couple who had just recently returned from their honeymoon. They displayed such hopeful enthusiasm as an engaged couple that I couldn’t wait to talk with them about how it feels now that they’re newlyweds. I was certain I’d hear giggling stories about all the crazy things that had happened since they got married, like people already asking them when they plan to start trying for a baby. I think we went a full two hours after our wedding before we got asked that question!

Back to the story. So much to my surprise, the bride was visibly less enthusiastic and even went as far as telling me she’s a bit nervous moving into this new stage in their relationship. My first reaction (which I kept to myself, of course) was to think that her cold feet is about a week late. But I assured her it’s normal to be nervous anytime you’re entering a new stage in life. However, I was curious as to why she had such a sudden change in attitude towards marriage, especially this soon.

She shared with me that when they returned from their honeymoon, she and her new husband were greeted with many well-meaning friends and family members with marriage advice to last them a lifetime. There’s no surprise there because in general, as a society, we pass out advice like we pass out candy on Halloween. In fact, we even came up with a disclaimer in abbreviated form for when we comment on social media and don’t want any backlash: IMO (in my opinion) or IMHO (in my humble opinion).

But in this couple’s case, the advice they received the most (or at least it’s what they remembered) was that they “better get ready for the long road ahead because marriage requires a lot of work.” Now I’m sure some said that kiddingly and most probably even meant well and shared it with love, but that’s not what this young bride heard. She was so sad and discouraged, and honestly, I couldn’t blame her.

Why do people say that? We’ve all heard at one point or another people describing their marriage as a lot of hard work or their spouse as “the old ball and chain.” Isn’t that a heavy metal ball attached to the leg of a prisoner by a chain to prevent them from escaping? Now granted, there may sometimes be some truth to those statements, but they’re such discouraging ways to describe the relationship between two people who are supposed to be lifetime partners!

There are a couple of reasons why regularly equating our marriage with work can be dangerous for the health of our relationship. The first is the lack of reverence towards our spouse that it implies. When I think about the word “work,” it brings to mind images of difficult, gruesome labor like digging ditches in the heat. It reminds me of one of my jobs as a 19-year old college student, cleaning the house of a family with three teenage boys. I can still remember gagging while cleaning around the rim of the toilets and picking up dirty underwear that somehow varied in levels of stiffness. I love and respect my husband too much to think of him the same way I thought about that job.

Now I’m certain there are people who will say, “well you don’t know my husband/wife.”  I totally understand there are many different situations and types of people that make up marriages, and I’m not at all disputing any of that.  Assuming you’re not in an abusive or dangerous relationship (which, if you are, please get help from the authorities or someone you trust right away), I’d just like to ask you to keep reading and in the end, consider if maybe there’s some value to trying out my suggestion, even for just a season.

The second consequence that can result from equating marriage with work, is the development of a mindset that we can just quit if things get too difficult or we find a better opportunity elsewhere. If we apply that same mentality to our marriage, it places conditions on our level of commitment. As long as things go exactly the way that we want it to, we’ll stick around. But if things get too difficult, then it’s time to go look someplace else for something more fulfilling. That mentality may be partly to blame for the 50% divorce rate in our country.

So if looking at our marriage the same way we view work is not healthy, then what’s a more appropriate way to refer to it? Well what I often tell couples is I prefer to think of my marriage as an investment. In our society, being able to say we have investments is something that comes with tremendous pride. The reverence it implies that I have towards my husband when I say I’m invested in my marriage, is far greater than when I say I’m working on my marriage.

More importantly, an investment requires commitment. A “no matter what” mentality that says you’re not quitting just because things get tight. Research shows that a couple’s commitment level is one of the greatest predictors of marital success. But that’s not surprising because when you commit to something you’re invested in, it usually results in a much greater return than what you originally put into it in the first place. 

So changing how we view marriage from work to an investment may not solve all of our society’s marital problems, but it sure can’t hurt it. If we hold the most important relationship in our lives with as much regard as we do the appreciation of the value of our 401k or real estate investments, we may just be able to ride through the difficult times to reap the rewards of a thriving marriage for many years to come.

By the way, the young couple I referred to earlier was wise enough to ignore the comments by well-meaning individuals and are very happily married with children.