Many women have spent the better part of their adult life feeling guilt and shame for having little interest in sex. There’s no doubt that physical intimacy is a key component to a healthy marriage, but the pressure for wives to be “more sexual,” combined with their husband’s unclear understanding of how she truly feels about sex, leave many couples frustrated and at odds with one another.
Husbands, I’m writing this blog for you in an attempt to put into words what your wife may be struggling to communicate with you. We’ll start with the obvious physiological difference that you likely already know, but we will spend most of our time breaking down a perspective that you probably have never heard before. By the end of this article, I pray that you will know exactly how to love your bride in the bedroom and you’ll BOTH begin to enjoy a renewed level of sexual intimacy with one another.
So, let’s jump right in.
In case you didn’t know, unlike men, who can orgasm almost every single time they have intercourse, the majority of women CANNOT orgasm through intercourse alone. More than 2/3, and according to some data as many as up to 80% of women, require some additional form of stimulation – most often clitoral – in order to reach orgasm. In fact, there’s a small percentage of women who have never experienced an orgasm and, some others, who endure pain to have sex.
Sadly, many women don’t recognize this as a normal part of their design and instead see it as something within them that’s “broken” or needs fixing. You see, most women secretly would love to be an active and eager participant when it comes to making love to her husband. She secretly would love to enjoy it the way you do and the way it’s depicted in movies, where the couple always seem to be in complete sync with one another, reaching a point of mind-blowing climax simultaneously, every single time they have sex.
She would love to experience that feeling of ecstasy she sees on your face when the two of you make love, and would often forego her own desire for pleasure just to make sure you get to have that experience. She is aware that regular and frequent lovemaking with you can be an absolute game changer for your marriage, and can even elevate an already good relationship to a higher level.
But the more pressure she puts on herself to match your libido with minimal results, the worse she feels about her “brokenness” and the less enjoyable sex becomes.
Before I continue, let me address a couple of fair and common questions.
Doesn’t the Bible say wives are to respect their husband, and isn’t sex a way they can demonstrate that? Yes and yes. And the Bible also says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her. But the point isn’t to use scripture to shame the other into conceding.
The point is to recognize that the same God who wrote the Bible, also created marriage and designed our bodies perfectly with the ability to “know” and become one with our spouse.
You see, women are not “broken” because most can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. That would imply that Eve, who God formed BY HAND specifically for Adam, was somehow flawed in the way God designed her.
It’s more logical to think that maybe we’re not utilizing God’s design of the entire female anatomy correctly or to the fullest. In Song of Solomon, the wise King admires and fully enjoys his bride from head to toe. From her hair, eyes, nose, lips, tongue and teeth, down to her neck, breasts, navel, thighs and feet – he takes pleasure in her entire body, exploring and getting to know every inch and, in turn, gives pleasure to her.
And it doesn’t even begin in the bedroom; their intimacy begins way before that. It begins in the way he looks at her, admiring her beauty and then telling her in detail how she makes him feel. He courts her, takes her away from daily responsibilities, and spends time with her doing things they both enjoy. There’s laughter and light-heartedness in their conversations, and they consider themselves friends.
The definition of intimacy is “a close familiarity or friendship; closeness.” Would it be fair to say that Solomon’s demonstration of intimacy more closely matches the definition than the intercourse-focused version depicted in modern society?
In my humble opinion, God formed our female bodies exactly the way He intended. It’s not flawed, but actually strategic in its complexity and design. Unlike the male anatomy, God placed several secret pleasure areas in the female body that are not meant to be left hidden, but are intended to be discovered by our husband. The process of searching, learning about, and enjoying these parts is intended to bring us closer, to increase our intimacy with one another.
When a man truly wants to give his wife pleasure and experience oneness with her, he will take the time to first admire and appreciate her outside the bedroom. He will familiarize himself with her fears, anxieties, and past hurts to make sure he protects her from anything that may trigger negative emotions. He will identify obstacles that get in the way of her seeing herself as an attractive sexual being – whether it’s the kids, work stress, low self confidence, or household responsibilities- and gently help her overcome them.
Then he’ll spend time getting to “know” his wife in a more intimate way, learning things about her body and exploring parts of it that’s secret to everyone but him. He’ll patiently learn the different ways to arouse her, starting from her head all the way down to her feet. He will lovingly take the time to understand the varying levels of pressure and tempo required to stimulate an area just right, without expectation from her to respond within any specific timeframe. He will take pleasure in seeing her enjoy the experience without condemnation, pressure, or promises of reciprocity. He will respect when another night may be a better night for her.
All this may seem too complex and a lot of work but keep in mind, your wife loves you and she wants nothing more than to meet your needs and have you singing her praises from the mountaintop. When you take the time to finally approach sex from your wife’s needs and perspective, you will have the opportunity to reach a point in your marriage when you’re truly making love. And isn’t that the whole point?