When Your Marriage Has a Third Wheel (and It’s Not Your Spouse!)
Marriage is about two people becoming one—but what happens when someone else keeps getting in the way? If you and your spouse feel like you’re competing with a parent for attention, decision-making power, or emotional connection, you’re not alone. Many couples struggle with over-involved in-laws who, despite their best intentions, can make marriage more stressful than it needs to be.
In our latest A Purpose Driven Marriage podcast episode, “The Third Wheel: When In-Laws Just Can’t Cut the Cord,” we dive deep into:
✅ Signs of unhealthy parental attachment and how it affects your marriage
✅ How to set boundaries while keeping your marriage the priority
✅ What to do when in-laws overstep their role—without causing drama
✅ How to honor your parents without letting them control your marriage
Let’s break it down and talk about why this is happening, what’s at stake, and how to fix it!
Signs Your In-Laws May Be Overstepping
🚩 Do any of these sound familiar?
❌ Your in-law calls your spouse multiple times a day for updates, advice, or “just to check in.”
❌ Your spouse goes to their parent for advice before consulting you on big decisions.
❌ Your in-laws expect to be included in major financial or parenting decisions.
❌ Your spouse feels guilty for setting boundaries, fearing they’ll “hurt” their parents.
❌ Your in-laws treat their child like their emotional support system instead of their spouse.
If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone—this is a common struggle for many couples. The good news? There are healthy ways to set boundaries while still maintaining respect and love for your parents and in-laws.
How Over-Involved In-Laws Can Hurt Your Marriage
If unhealthy parental attachment goes unchecked, it can erode the very foundation of your marriage. Here’s how:
💔 Loyalty Conflicts – Feeling torn between honoring your parents and prioritizing your spouse creates unnecessary tension in your relationship.
💔 Resentment & Emotional Distance – When one spouse feels like they’re competing with an in-law, bitterness grows and connection fades.
💔 Weakened Marriage Unity – Instead of making decisions as a couple, in-law involvement shifts power outside the marriage, causing division.
💔 Biblical Disconnect – The Bible teaches us to “leave and cleave” (Genesis 2:24) when we get married and an unhealthy attachment to our parents can make it difficult to do so.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries With In-Laws (Without Starting a War)
So how do you navigate setting boundaries while keeping the peace? Try these six key strategies:
1️⃣ Talk to Your Spouse First
Before confronting in-laws, sit down as a couple and agree on:
✅ What boundaries need to be set
✅ How you’ll communicate them
✅ What role each parent should have in your lives
Remember: A united front is key!
2️⃣ Let Your Spouse Take the Lead
The adult child should set boundaries with their own parents. This prevents unnecessary drama and ensures the message is received with love.
Example:
✔️ Instead of: “Your mom is too controlling.”
✔️ Say: “I love my mom, but I need to make decisions with my spouse first.”
3️⃣ Use Kind but Firm Language
Being clear doesn’t mean being rude. Avoid harsh statements like:
❌ “You’re smothering us!”
✅ Instead, try: “We love you, but we need space to grow as a couple.”
If they insist on making major decisions on your behalf:
❌ “Stop tellling us what to do!”
✅ “We really appreciate your insight and will definitely take it into consideration. My spouse and I will let you know what we decide to do.”
4️⃣ Limit What You Share
Not every fight or financial decision should be discussed with in-laws. Keep private matters private to protect both your marriage and your spouse’s reputation.
❌ “We’re fighting about money again.”
✅ “We’re working on budgeting together—thanks for your support!”
5️⃣ Redirect Their Focus
If an in-law relies too much on their child, help them find new interests. Encourage:
✔️ Social groups & hobbies
✔️ Travel & personal goals
✔️ Spending time with their own spouse or friends
6️⃣ Stay Consistent, Even When Met With Resistance
Not all in-laws will take boundaries well at first. If they push back:
✔️ Stay calm and stand firm.
✔️ Repeat your boundary without arguing.
✔️ Take breaks from the conversation if emotions run high.
If things escalate, consider seeking outside counsel from a pastor, mentor, or relationship coach.
Encouragement for Parents & In-Laws
👵🏾 If you’re a parent of a married child, remember:
🎉 Celebrate their independence! If your child prioritizes their marriage, you did something RIGHT!
🎉 Embrace your new role. Being an in-law and grandparent is an honored position—enjoy it!
🎉 Trust that you raised them well. Let them grow into their own family, just as you did.
🙌 Your legacy lives on through them—cheer them on!
Final Thoughts: Your Marriage Comes First
At the end of the day, your marriage is your most sacred relationship—second only to God. Protecting it doesn’t mean cutting off family; it means ensuring that your relationship is prioritized and nurtured.
If you’re struggling with in-law dynamics, know that you’re not alone! With healthy boundaries, love, and communication, you can navigate this with grace.
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